Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you Tomorrow....

Tomorrow is Kevins 25th birthday!!!!!! How exciting! Now I have been trying to make this birthday special by planning all these special things and what do you know, none of them have worked out! But, I will not give up! Today is going to be our day of celebration in a way. I am planning to decorate the whole house if I can and I still have to go out and find wrapping paper and bags for all his presents because, silly me, I forgot to look for them when I went shopping for his gifts. Kevin is a huge pineapple lover so I decided that I am going to make him a pineapple cake. Not pineapple upside down cake, just a yummy pineapple cake. I don't think he has ever had anything like that before. I also decided to make him his favorite dinner, steak and potatoes. Let us hope that turns out well becaue we are supposed to go look at a house possibly before we eat dinner. It kind of puts a damper on my plan because I wanted to do something really special, like set up candles and what not, however that is going to be mighty hard if we have to go out before hand. Usually dinner is ready when Kevin comes in the door or right around that time, but today, we will have to see how it all plays out. I am not sure what else I am going to do, but I really want to make the day special!!!! I hope he loves everything and I will most definitely post pictures ASAP. After all, like our realator said, he is a quater of a century old! Haha!!!! :) Happy Day all! Hope your day is filled with inspiration, warmth, and love! Look to yourself for all of these and may you find it in others as well.

With Love,

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Happy 4th!

Over the weekend we went to Pittsburgh to visit Kevin's friends Adam and Jess and see the fireworks down town and just have a good time. Jess is going for her master's there and she has an apartment kind of in the ghetto, but in a decent section of town. It was really fun because right now she doesn't have a room mate so we got our own room which was really nice. We had a lot of fun with Adam and Jess. We tried a bunch of new food places that Kevin and I had never eaten at before and we walked around the city a lot and did some small shopping, mostly just browsed. I loved seeing all the new sites, getting coffee at Starbucks, eating at a yummy pita shop, and watching the fireworks in the city. They were really beautiful and one night we saw the view of the city from on top of a hill/mountain and it was beautiful. We saw Transformers 2 which was a really good movie and we stopped at an toy store with all these old collectible toys. It was really cool! We watched Drop Dead Fred (I love that movie!) and we watched a bunch of old transformer episodes. We had a nice drive both ways through the tunnels and on the turnpike and on the way home we stopped at Kevin's sisters and ate with Her, Her husband, Her daughter Braylynne, Kevin's Mom, and Kevin's Dad. It was really nice and we had a great time there too. Although that was on Sunday we still had a great weekend and a wonderful fourth of July and we were really excited to get the opportunity to visit Kevin's friend in Pitt!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Can you believe it?

We can't!

We are getting married in Jamaica! Hopefully on December 23rd. We leave December 20th and do not return until December 27th! Sometime you don't get the date you want for the actual wedding but we are hoping to get December 23rd because it is our 2 year anniversary! What an amazing way to celebrate, lol! We absolutely can't wait and we will be there over Christmas as fun!!!!! All the details are on our other blog which is Two become one...December 23rd, 2009.

Life is just moving along. Aside from all our new wedding plans and excitement, nothing much is going. Work and classes take up most of my time but, we have also been looking for a house since we are not sure if we will have the money to build right now or not. We have been really trying to work on US the last few days because sometimes being so busy takes a little bit of a toll on our relationship. We need time together, just us.

I have been really trying to take care of my body and myself. I realized (which for some people is not a great realization but, for me its a big one) that I never get the days back that pass by so I might as well live every one with joy and excitement and happiness. Why spend them angry, when I can be happy? If I feel angry I just need to feel it, then shake it off and feel happiness! How great the days are that we are given and also how short. We must enjoy them or we will spend our whole life being unhappy, look back and then say Oh my gosh where did it all go?

Hope you are living a happy life and happy days! Keep thinking positively, everything will balance out, everything happens for a reason and everything will be okay!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Many twists and turns have come our way this week. We are changing a lot with our wedding. Oh the crazy life we lead! But, hey we will get through all the messes that come our way! We all can and we all will. :) Somehow, some way. We will find the strength. Keep pushing and smiling and most of all keep loving and LOVING YOURSELF!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sweet Nights...

The last two nights have been very strange indeed. Kevin has been working at night these last two nights. Although I have been very sad without Kevin it has been quite an experience. Everybody has been telling me that I am crazy for staying up all night and then sleeping with him during the day but, I look at it as a new succulent adventure. When Kevin got home yesterday we got ready and went to bed and you know, it was a good day to stay in bed anyway! Then we woke up around 5 in the evening and went out to get some things and came home and rested again until he had to leave at 10:30 to go to work. Today he will be home around 7:15 and then we are going to get ready for bed and sleep for a few hours but, then we have to get back up because tonight we have to go to bed at normal time because he works at 7 a.m. tomorrow. Today when he gets home will be a nice day because we will get to spend some time together. We are considering getting ice cream at Rakestraws which will be wonderful!
During the night I have been watching tv, doing school work, blogging, updating face book, exercising on my wii fit, reading SARK's books and getting new ideas for my wild life. The last few days although I did lose my temper because I was exhausted, I have been really working on not being disappointed in my life and looking at it as a wonderful ride. I am so excited for the wonderful experiences that are yet to come and I am trying to accept that everything will come in due time!

I have definitely learned that I need to express my feelings; when I am angry I need to say I am angry. Do not be afraid because holding back feelings leads to a blow up in the end. Try new things, stay in bed, indulge your senses, feel your emotions, eat what you want, be YOURSELF. Why hold back? We have one life to live! Live it to the fullest. Waste no more days being afraid. Embrace your inner self and nourish the child within. Write what you want. Just love yourself and realize that it is not worth being upset about things that don't really need to be upset over. Feel upset and then look past it! You don't want to waste your life being upset when we are only given one chance. Just think there is only one June 17th 2009 so embrace it! Love it and be thankful for the day!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A life of Succulence

If you have never heard of SARK, now you have and you have no excuse to live a boring life anymore. SARK is an amazing author of wonderful books about living your life to the fullest, nourishing yourself, and being SUCCULENT! I used to adore her books and when we moved I packed them up in a box and put them in our closet in our apartment. Now, I have been meaning to get them out of the box since November but, I just never "found the time." Finally, yesterday I said forget what I am doing right now, I deserve to read my favorite books and I deserve to live a full life no matter how busy I am. So now, you too, have no excuse not to live your life, nourish your soul, and be a beautiful, succulent wild woman. Read her books. The two I started with are Succulent Wild Woman and The Bodacious Book of Succulence. I thought I had another but I don't know if I do. I know I do have one of her work books and if I don't have the other book about "prosperity" then I am definitely going to get it as soon as I possibly I can.

Her books are absolutely the most encouraging books I have ever read. Every time I am feeling down I read them and even when I am feeling wonderful I read them. Her books help bring out the best in me and help me embrace my so called "flaws." Every time I sit down with one of books I just feel so fulfilled, so wonderful, like I want to embrace my life and just live and just be. When anyone is feeling like down, or feeling like the are full of "flaws" I suggest these books and try to bring in all of SARK's wonderful magical words. What an author, what a WOMAN!

So lately, my life has been devoted to succulence. Although I am always saying how important it is to nourish myself, I really mean it now. SARK has dared me to live my succulent wild life and I have accepted her challenge. I am really working toward loving life, nourishing my inner child, feeling my feelings, and just living my succulent wild life.

Our baby plants are getting SO big. We have peppers! We have tomatoes coming hopefully (there are flowers). We are so in love with our dear plants.
Aren't they gorgeous? This is just one guy! We have 6 peppers!!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

So far this summer...

The summer has been crazy so far. I had about a week off from classes and I certainly enjoyed it. Now I am back into classes and I have two right now online and I start another one on June 22nd. They are a bit overwhelming but, God has given me strength and he has really been helping me be happy with myself and the world around me. I have been really stressed about money lately because working so far this summer has just not been going well. I am praying that something will turn around here so that way I can at least have a enough money to pay for my classes. It is especially stressful because I am not able to buy anything for our wedding and we are building a house so we are really really broke. However, I can't complain. Not having money makes us live a simple life. It has definitely opened my eyes and although I often still want want want, I am really trying to cut that behavior. I have never been a material person but, I do like to get things when I feel like mine are old. I am thinking about all the creative things I may hopefully be able to do with some of my clothes. I am really learning to appreciate what I have and to realize that I do not need new things. I am hoping that it is opening Kevin's eyes as well to the fact that we can live a simple and most importantly HAPPY life.

I am a person that tends to find something interesting, like other cultures and then tries to change myself to be that way. I think one thing that I really need to concentrate on doing is finding myself. I am hoping that in doing this I will have God's support. I am hoping that I can incorporate many different cultures and aspects in my own way to really define who I am. I need to find out who I am and especially because this is such an important time in my life and in Kevin's and my life. I would like to find who I really am and what my true values really are before we have children. I am praying for strength! I am definitely going to nurture myself and love myself and others.

We went to west virginia and I still need to post pictures from there. It was for my uncles surprise birthday party and we had a ton of fun! We also went to a Nascar race on sunday and that was really fun too. We tailgated with our two other friends and I think that was a great way to enjoy the day. The race was kind of boring but it was such a great experience. I would definitely go back!

I hope you all are having a good summer! I hope you are finding yourselves and I know that you have God's support. Just keep Him close to your heart and definitely nurture yourself and love yourself and others!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Who am I?

I have been in a major struggle since November 2007 when I was r****. I have always struggled with a number of things, just like everyone else I am sure but, in the few months before November 2007 I was really getting myself on track. Despite not eating, which has been my way of life for 8 years now, I was really learning to love myself and in fact I was even learning that I had to eat to be healthy. I began to love my body, I began to embrace the fact that my body was a gift and that I was a gift on this Earth. I learned that I had to love myself before I could love anybody else. I found out that I was beautiful and I even gained weight, I was healthy. For years people were used to me weighing from 105-117 and at 5'7" with a bigger bone structure that is very thing. Then, I started eating and it was all downhill from there. I weight what the doctors said was healthy for me, 130. All the people that used to tell me to eat, used to tell me I needed to eat to be healthy, they all started calling me fat. My head was spinning. I had finally gotten to a weight that they wanted me to be at, I maintained that weight for a few months, I was beginning to have self-confidence, I was loving myself, embracing my ability to go out by myself, to be independent, to love the world and be thankful for my life and then people started telling me I was fat! After I had worked so hard to get to where I was. At that point I had been struggling for 6 1/2 years and then when I got there they tore me apart!

What really mixed me up however, was after the events of Nov. 2007. I was so confused with everything in my life. I had recently become this strong, beautiful, independent person and in minutes of being out of control that was all taken away from me. In the minutes, that seemed like hours, well they could have been, I lost all sense of time, everything I had become, everything I had gained and worked for was lost. I lost all of who I was. Every dream, every goal, every hope, every positive thought about myself and this world. I lost everything.

Then Kevin came along. Actually he had come along right before that all happened. It was like God sent me an angel. It really was. When we met, neither of us were in the best of conditions but I ended up taking care of him the whole night but a few short days later, it was his turn to take care of me. I barely knew him, I hadn't even talked to him since I met him, but I text him and told him that I needed him. He was there. He didn't let me down. And as my weight spiraled downhill again, as I lost all the confidence that I had recently gained, as I walked day in and day out in a coma, he was there. I couldn't think about God at that time. I mean, I did. I needed him, and I longed for his comfort but, I didn't reach out as much as I should have. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him when I couldn't hear the answer. I wasn't in the best spiritual place that I could be but, later when I looked back, I saw that God sent me this angel. This angel that I could never leave. This angel that held me in his arms through all my struggles, that fell so deeply in love with me and that I fell so deeply in love with in return.

Although our relationship has obviously not been perfect, (I don't think anybody's is and if it is, then it must be God's wonderful grace) we have overcome a lot. There have been major battles and there will be many more. We knit pick every day, but we still love each other the same and even more than the day before. Never less. Kevin is my angel and I am so grateful because I know there are many people out there that don't have an angel. I am so thankful that God picked me to fall in love with this wonderful man. There are many factors that have threatened to split us up yet but, none unless it is God's will, will succeed. Ever. We are committed. We want to work together to make our life the best it can be. We want God's help and know that ultimately we are in his hands but, we are so thankful for the chance that we have been given to love each other forever.

It has been a year and a half since everything happened and since Kevin and I met. I am still not the person that I was working toward being before everything happened but, in some ways that is good. I lost my self-confidence however, slowly it is coming back. I have begun to realize again that I am a gift and that I have to take care of my body. It is hard go grow in yourself when you are so focused on growing with someone else. I am the kind of person that gives everything. I give until I can't give anymore and then I blow up. I feel like I have given everything away that is mine. I struggle with this. I am a needy person. I know. I need Kevin's attention and it is so often taken by other people that I begin to feel left out and unappreciated. Everyone else in the world seems more important to me. I make special things just for Kevin, when I am out I am thinking about what I can do for him to make him feel special. I make him special dinners that he doesn't seem to appreciate. I feel so alone so often. When he is sick I feel furious and I know it is wrong but, I feel like a get so little of his attention anyway. He is not an overly talkative person, he loves the TV sometime I feel like more than me. When he is sick I just feel like blowing up because I need him. I never used to be selfish and then after everything happened I became this selfish monster. I am working on it. I am. I am trying to be more humble. I have so many faults and often I pick apart the faults of everybody else instead of seeing their good side.

Kevin is a wonderful man. A true gift from God. He deserves the best and I hope that I can give it to him. I hope God will be with us in our relationship and will help me become more humble. I pray for the strength to work together and to be positive. I pray for the strength to look at the positive side of things instead of the negative side. I thank you God everyday for sending Kevin to me. For letting our paths cross and now become one. I thank you God that you have been there every step of the way. I hope that we can always remember that you are first God and that you are the one that we need to please. I ask you God to help me through all my struggles and help Kevin God with all of his. I know sometimes I do not listen and I ask that you help me learn to listen God. I ask that you help me become a better person, a great fiance, a soon to be good wife, and someday a good mother. I ask that I might be surrounded by positive people who might help us on our journey to You. I ask for you help God with faith in your wisdom and strength and knowledge that you are most high and mighty.

I am thinking of all of you! I hope your lives are going well. I hope that you have not lost your faith. I hope that you can find yourself and I hope that through all the struggles in your life you will turn to God and that you will keep believing that you are a precious gift put here on this Earth for a reason. You have a purpose. God has a plan for you. It may not be what you are planning, you may come upon many obstacles, many losses, many tragedies but, God put you here and keeps you here to serve Him and He will never give you more than you can handle.

In love,

P.S. Check out my other blog... It is our wedding journey. Kevin and I are just getting it into operation. I can wait to add all the details and pictures and more!!!! :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What a week

It has been an incredible, yet insanely stressful week! With the news of our wedding spreading throughout the family, everyone possible has been wanting to see my ring or talk to me about this or that. It has been delightful to see my family so excited for me. It has however, been very stressful because last week was my last week of classes and this week is finals week. I have just needed some time to breathe, but I haven't had it for a little while. Even when I do have it, it doesn't seem like it because I am either studying or worrying about something else. But hey, this is the most exciting time of my life. We are planning our WEDDING! We are getting MARRIED! I can't wait, I wish it was tomorrow, although I am certainly not ready for it to be tomorrow as far as having all the things I need for this wedding. haha!

My Mom and I booked our reception place and it is absolutely wonderful. I think my finace's family is a little bit reluctant because it is expensive, but my mom said she wants to pay for it with help from my dad. She wants our wedding to be special and wonderful and magical! I am so excited! I will update in full later...all the wonderful details..I think Kevin and I are going to make a blog about it.....I am so excited!

I am praying for all of you and this whole world! I hope everyone can enjoy the things we have here on Earth and the Earth its self. I know through rough times it is hard, but I believe we can all just be kind to ourselves and from that kindness to ourselves and God will stem kindness to the rest of the world!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

YAYAY! : )

WE ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!! MAY 2010!!!!!! here we come. what a wonderful journey!!!

Monday, May 4, 2009


Sorry guys to be MIA lately!!!!!!! These next two weeks are super super busy! This week is the week we have to turn in all our last minute assignments and next week is final week! I can't believe my second semester of college is practically over! SOOO, I have big news coming up!!! EXCITING NEWS!!!! I hope you are all doing well and I hope it soon stops raining so that all of the people in PA may soon be able to go outside and enjoy this month of May! <3

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Please Pray...

Pray Pray Pray. Please if you pray, whether you are just spiritual, Christian, or any other religion of this world, if you pray..please pray for Erica, Steve, baby Orner, Braylynne, and their daughter in heaven, Angel. Baby Orner is very sick and the doctors say there is no chance of healing but if it is God's will, whatever God you pray to, whatever you believe, they just need all the help they can get to perfom God's will and have the hope that God's will is to heal this baby and have it on Earth. Although I am stressed to the max right now, I know that my pain is not comparing the pain they are feeling and I am trying to devote my prayers to them. Please if you have an extra minute just to think about them, just to hope for them, anything will help. They just lost a baby last year and want so badly not to lose another. We can only hope and pray that God will grant them the gift to have this baby on Earth.

Thank you for your help.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Summer is coming...

These last few days have been absolutely gorgeous! I will admit, they have been a bit hot especially because we are stubborn and decided 92 or not, we are not turning on our AC. We did have to break down one night at about 2 in the morning when it was in the 90's while we were trying to sleep but last night we got a fan for in our room and it worked very well. I finally got a good night's sleep although it was not quite enough. I can not complain though because at least I got to sleep. The sunshine is going to go away today but hopefully it will return by the weekend because I absolutely love these sunny, hot and not humid days. Saturday Kevin and I walked on trail behind my college and it was beautiful. We saw this amazing blue bug and we couldn't snap a picture of it in time, but I have never seen anything like it! It's whole body was metallic blue! Sunday we went for a hike and it was hot but, it was wonderful. We sat at the top of the mountain on some rocks that overlooked the cliff. A seven year old girl was climbing across a rope from cliff to cliff and she also repelled. I was amazed although, I am not sure that I would have let my seven year old do that because there is no soft spot, there is no chance for survival if you fall. I will post pictures later, maybe tonight or tomorrow from the walk and the hike. You will absolutely love some of them! The hike that we did on Sunday was a great work out and our bodies felt so rejuvenated although it was much shorter and not as hard as the one that Kevin and I did last year. It was our warm up hike!
Yesterday my two best friends at college and I took pictures on campus and let me tell you, it was beautiful! The blooming trees made wonderful backgrounds and we had all kinds of fun just hanging out together. If I can I will post pictures from yesterday as well because those pictures are gorgeous as well!
I am excited for the weekend to be here again but I am trying to enjoy every day. I often pray to God that he will make me humble because sometimes I am too outspoken. I always let people into my life so much and then get stabbed in the back so I have been praying that I may be able to find the strength that was in me before what happened in November 2007 and that I may be able to sit quietly and observe others and pour my soul out only to those that I know truly care instead of telling just anybody that will listen.
I am thinking about getting a tattoo. I don't know of what and I know that some people are strongly opposed to getting one because God gave us our bodies not to write on but to nurture and love. I however am not opposed to tattoos. I think perhaps I would like to get the chinese symbol for love or something along those lines on my foot. If I do end up getting one I definitely want it to be something relating to love because that is the what life is about. I view love as the most important thing and God gave us the ability to love Him and love others. I cant even begin to express how important love is to me. I could just go on and on about it but I will spare you.
I hope you all are well! I hope the sun is shining or if it isn't I hope that you can enjoy what ever weather you are being handed. I hope life is being kind to you or at least if it isn't you can find the kindness in God and in others. Please pray for Erica and Steve and their daughter, their angel daughter, and their baby.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

When will life feel normal?

Life is sooooooo crazy right now. It has been for quite sometime. I just hope that someday I will be able to take a breath and relax. I hope that some day, at least for one hour there will be no drama, there will only be Kevin and I and the world, just at peace for at least one hour. I hope things are going well with everyone. Can anyone tell me, does life ever get more enjoyable? Sorry I haven't been posting much, I plan to soon and I hope this summer life will be a little less hectic. I am starting to doubt it tho. However, usually in the summer things just seem better.
I am praying for everyone out there. Please keep praying for Erica and her family.
Please pray for Kevin and I that we may be able to breathe sometime soon.
Thanks to all of you!

Monday, April 20, 2009

At a loss of words...

Hi everybody. I have been at a loss of words lately. After my last post, so much stuff has happened and I just didn't feel like going into details. I wanted to say I am very thankful for all the wonderful weather we had this weekend and Saturday was lonely without Kevin but I did go to my Mom's and played outside with my brother all day. I have been very overwhelmed with some issues going on in our families and I hope you will keep Kevin's sister Erica and her family Steve, Braylynne, Angel and the baby in Erica's belly. Anyway...sorry this message isn't very inspirational..there is just a lot on my mind and I would appreciate your prayers to help me figure everything out. I am thinking of you and praying for all of you as well.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Sunshine and sore hearts

These last two days have been absolutely gorgeous! The sun is shining, the air is warm, everything is just beautiful! Our plants have been getting their fill of sunlight and they sure are greedy! They love then sun! : ) Although I have no room to talk because I have been enjoying every minute in the sun that I can get. I ate lunch outside on campus today. It was really nice and although my friend could not eat with me, the clock chimed its beautiful melody and the buzzing of the bees and the chirping of the birds kept me company. This weather has truly been a gift from God I believe to lighten everyone's spirits!

Yesterday was a beautiful day and all was well until Kevin's sister called me. She is having some bad complications with her pregnancy and it is quite hard right now because she lost a baby girl named Angel last year. She and her family could really use your prayers right now if would like to help us all out. The doctors believe that she gave the baby an illness that she was not immune to and we are all just praying that the baby has the strength to become healthy again and make to Earth to live with her family.
That was a very sad phone call. To make the night even worse, Kevin decided to stop at his parents house. Now he has been saying that he has wanted this particular dish for dinner for big deal, just some day if his mom ever got the chance. Well his sister (the one I mentioned earlier) wanted it as well and they go over to his parents every tuesday and thursday and some sundays for dinner. Well, we walked into their house last night and as soon as we opened the door, we knew she had made it and not invited us. Now it was a hard day and I would never expect someone to invite us to dinner anyway, but his mom had been saying and saying, making a big deal about how she was going to make this dish for him and his sister and all of us. Well, you can only imagine how much it hurt last night when we walked in and all they could do was make one thousand excuses about how there was enough room or that they were going to invite us but..... Yeah. I immediately stopped talking when I found certain that they had done this because I was so infuriated at the fact that it seemed like a deliberate cut to Kevin. I know that it hurt him so much, not that he wasn't invited for dinner, that he had been asking and hoping and then they had the nerve to do it without us. It just cut deep. I am really trying to look at it in a different light but, I just cried for Kevin because he and I have these huge hearts that we bend over backwards and do everything possible, if we offend someone we cry because we never meant to hurt them. We give and give and give everyone the benefit of the doubt and very very few people return that and it hurts so much when you are pouring your heart out to be kind to others and they cut you deep.

Anyway enough ranting and raving because I do forgive them. I mean I am sure we do lots of things that hurt peoples feelings and don't mean to. This day I was just in such a bad mood. I had a hard test today and so much went on last night. I am just overwhelmed. But God sure did bless us with a beautiful day! Thank you SOOOO MUCH God. I hope you all are doing well! I am so sorry for ranting and raving. I hope that you can be happy and feel love! I am praying for everyone! Smile guys!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Can we have a little sunlight please?

Dear God,
Can we please have a little sunlight? Our new baby plants need some light to grow and I think everyone in the world needs a bit of shine to brighten their day.
Thank you and love,

Today was a fairly good day. I learned a lot in my classes today. Some days I feel like going to college is worthless, however on days like today I am glad I went. Listening to stories about other people in history really inspires me. I realize how amazing it would be to make a difference, to have somebody remember your name for something. I wish I could go to Africa and help all people. Infact, I wish I could go all over the world and help those people that really need help in the world. Money is so unimportant and I wish everyone in the world could see that. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the simplistic ways and just use our technology to communicate and help, never to kill people or commit horrible crimes, or use it to spread hate. Today I was inspired to make a difference.

I was also inspired to nourish my body. Not just with any food but with food that will do wonderful things for my body. Some days just make me feel so good...others not so much but, I will enjoy this feeling of happiness and inspiration for awhile.

Look at our plants! We put them in their homes last night! It was SO EXCITING! I have something to look after. : ) I am happy about that.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Extending our family

We decided to expand our family and since we cannot have pets in our apartment (I am still dying to get a pet) we decided to get some plants. Yesterday we went to walmart and decided to get two sweet yellow pepper plants and one tomato plant. It is very exciting because now we have something to look after. As you can see we have not yet planted them in their proper home. We bought two nice pots and organic potting mix and we are going to put them in their proper homes tonight because last night it was too late. To some people getting a few plants is probably no big deal but, to me it is super exciting! They are like our new babies. : ) How fun!
Today is a rainy day and its quite sad. I can't wait until it is warm however, the rain can be quite lovely too. I was hoping for some sun today thought so my little plants could get the adequate amount of light but, it doesn't look like that sun will be coming until thursday. Oh man!

This week is going to be a busy week between tests and work and everything else that can possibly pop up that definitely will. The only thing that is getting me through college and work is thinking that I am almost one semester closer to becoming a teacher, having a decent job, and being able to help Kevin out with all the bills. That also means that we are one step closer to being able to start our family. : )

Yesterday I was talking to my friend about life in general and all the crappy hands that we have been dealt in life. I came to the conclusion that sometimes people use their belief system as a mask. Sometimes people use God as an excuse not to feel. Not that God is not the perfect excuse to do all good deeds for, not that I don't believe in God, not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, sometimes I feel like some people just make up their own rules on both ends of the spectrum. I think often people that strictly follow the bible look at others and think that they are going to hell because they don't follow the exact words of the scripture. I feel like they however, do not switch the tables and see that people that do not follow the exact words of the scripture but form beliefs based on their own personal opinion and relationship with God are simply doing the same thing. Both groups are looking at each other and saying that is not the right way. I am a firm believer that there are many different ways and even my best Christian friends will tell me I am wrong, that there can only be one way, one set of beliefs. However, to me it just seems like isn't it possible that Jesus is reaching out to those other religions and just pulling them in enough to make him content and maybe in His heart the love that they have for Him and for God is enough? Isn't it possible that all different religions of the work are marked by one God, one Jesus, just formed and run differently? In my opinion, I say yes. Many people however, tell me no.

I think sometimes people hide behind their religion. They don't think that they should feel human feelings but, I think God gave us emotions to feel, God gave us a voice to speak up, a mind to think, the freedom to make mistakes and the knowledge to make them right. God doesn't expect us to be perfect; He does expect us to try to be good people, so why should we have such unrealistic expectations for ourselves if even our God does not? I am beginning to believe that you cannot love God unless you love yourself because if you have no respect for the creation of God that you are, then how can you have respect for God?

I dont know. Just my ramblins, my thoughts in progress.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Review

How was everyone's Easter? I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend.

For us, Easter was overall very good. Saturday Kevin wanted to go to his friend's house and after I was alone all day I was a little reluctant but, I said we could if we went to late church. Well little did we know that was going to be a tremendous problem. We planned on going to Kevin's sister's to eat and we did end up doing that but church just didn't work out because of the time that they wanted to eat. I was very disappointed about not going to church especially on Easter Sunday but the day turned out to be quite good.

When we got to Kevin's sisters, Erica, her husband, Steve, had prepared a delicious meal and we ate it and enjoyed every bite. Kevin's mom hid some eggs for Steve and Erica's daughter Braylynne and she searched outside and found them. They live in a beautiful country area with beautiful fields all around and their house is absolutely adorable. I can't wait until Kevin finally get his house built and we can move in so I can decorate and have my own garden. Anyway, it was a really great afternoon, just visiting and talking together.

Later that day we went to my Grandma's for about fifteen minute because everybody was leaving to go home since it was already around 4 p.m. We were happy that we got to say hello and eat a little bit of dessert. After Grandma's we went to my mom and stepdad's house and visited with them for a long time. It was nice to just talk about lots of things with my mom and stepdad and of course it was neat to get some yummy candy and easter gifts. We really had a nice day with everyone and I was soon wishing the day wasn't over.

Now, its sad because the whole weekend is gone. Kevin will work again on Saturday and I will be here again...alone. I told him I wish we had a puppy or something but, we can't have any pets in our apartments. I feel like time just rushes by. I miss days that we could just do whatever we wanted all day. I am trying to make the most out of our life and my life but it is just so hard. It is like their aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I wish I could read all the books I wanted, have my own garden, go see different places all over the world, at least all over the state. I just wish we had more time to appreciate all the beauty of the world.

I hope everybody had a great Easter. I wish I had some pictures..but we didn't take any. Forgot. Hopefully we will take some soon and I will post some more.

Have a good nite and day.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Another lonely Saturday

Here I am again alone on Saturday. Weekend have always been the days that I spent with my family and since Kevin and I live together and I love him with all my heart, I consider him my family whether we are married yet or not. So here I am, while he is at work again on a Saturday, lonely.

I can't even begin with how frustrated I am and if this entry is boring you I am really sorry but, I have to write it. Yesterday all I felt was negativity and I tried to avoid my blog all together because I didn't want anyone to have to deal with my stupid rages but, today I just can't do it. I need to write about it.

Kevin always works. Always. When he is not at work he is watching tv which I understand because he is tired from work and wants to relax but, I feel like my head is going to explode. My life is school, work, school, work, school, work, off. Every other saturday I babysit and the saturday I do not babysit I just want to be out and about! At night, its not even that I want to go to the gym, or go run 6 miles, I just want to be up doing something. I exercise enough during the day when he is not here but, I can not stand laying here every night just watching TV!!!!! I try to think of fun things to do but, he never likes the ideas or they cost money that we really don't have.

Kevin has my whole life in his hands. When I met him I was somebody completely different. I wanted to go see the world, not settle down for along time but, then when I realized I had love and I could someday have a family I wanted it now. I just wanted his love because for so long I have been on my own! For 3 almost 4 years I have been on my own because even when I lived with my dad I bought all my own things, I paid for my own food, he was too busy talking on the phone to his many girlfriends. I just wish someone would pay attention to me! I have nothing of my own. I know that life is not always the way you want it, trust me I know. When that guy did what he did to me, I learned that life is nothing shy of screwed up most days. But I feel so much like I have nothing.

I love Kevin with all my heart but, even when he is here and he tells me he loves me he just wants to do things for himself because he works hard and then there I am lonely again. I have nothing to take care of. I have nothing going for me. Woo hoo I am working toward a degree. Great. Too bad I would rather be home with the kids that I don't yet have. The apartment we live in, its Kevin's. He has a good job (he is an electrician), he is building a home, he has parents that would give him anything he needs. He has breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for him. He has the house cleaned for him. He has a nice car, he can buy anything he wants, all the decisions on when we get married, when we have kids, when we get a puppy, when we do ANYTHING, they are all his!

I honestly have nothing of my own. I can't afford to buy shoes or clothes and even if I could, they don't make me happy. I can't afford to help him with the bills. I can't afford to print our pictures or buy anymore scrapbook material and all mine is used up. I go for walks, I tell myself everday that I have plenty of things in my life and I don't need anymore. I tell myself that I am a good person, that I have school, that I love Kevin, that I can exercise, that I have God most importantly. Everyday I do things like exercise, pray, eat heatlthy foods, study, take walks in nature, go over what I am thankful for but, still I can not help but waking up every morning and just crying because of where I am in life. I know I am going to marry Kevin. Maybe if i just could start planning our wedding that would give me something to think of as my own, something to plan for. I don't know why I feel like I need something more than I have. I do have a lot and I know that. I think what I really need is just attention. I just need him here. I just need his love. I just need him to talk to me. I am so tired of being alone!!! And I know I have God but, I am human, sometimes I just need someone to talk to, something here to play with, even a dog, just something or someone.

Friends are great. The problem is most of my friends have stabbed me in the back so many times that I have no desire to hang out with them all the time. The ones that haven't are always busy. They are all having babies and getting married and here I am ALONE. Even my parents don't understand. My mom looks at me like I am crazy when I tell her that since I was raped I have had the hardest time being alone. Then on Sunday when Kevin is home, we end up going to his parent to do laundry, spending the whole day with other people and the day goes so fast and then its back to the same OLD ROUTINE. I just want to scream.

Okay I am done ranting and raving. Sorry that you read this all if you did. Sorry to bring down your day.

Happy Easter!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

What a beautiful day

When I first stepped out onto my porch this morning I thought the whole day was going to be cold. To my delightful surprise, the sun came out and warmed the day up quite a bit. It was one of those days where I would take off my jacket because I was hot and then I would put it back on because I got chilly. I babysat and while the youngest was taking her nap I got to play outside with the four year old girl which she absolutely loves because she likes the one on one attention. It was such a wonderful experience to watch her feel so happy over some of the smallest things. She was pretending there was a party and she knocked down a pinata (shovel) in her sand box and told me to dig for candy. As I was digging I found a worm and right away I showed her because I knew she would be excited. She took that worm on as her own pet. She made homes all over the yard, she poured water on him to keep him hydrated, she would not leave him alone for fear that he might crawl away. It was an absolutely fascinating afternoon. When the little one woke up we all had a good time together outside. She loves to slide down the slide. In fact last week she learned that she could go down the slide by herself. It was such an enlightening time to see her face light up with excitement that she could do yet another thing on her own. She would slide down the slide and then say "again, again!"

Then the craziness happened. The oldest girl went outside on the porch for something and when she came back in she didn't latch the door completely. Well their goldendoodle is a big dog if you have never seen one and she had been whining to go outside with us. I had just finished the dishes and we were just about ready when I saw the dog pushing on the door and next thing I knew out the door she flew. Imagine me running after a dog that weighs close to as much as me and is much stronger than me. Luckily their mom was home cleaning so she ran out with me however, for some odd reason today the dog chose to run into the street! And she just kept running, let me tell you. When she ran out a car was right behind her and how nice of a man he was! The girls mom ran back to get the car and I ran full speed after the dog. Thank goodness the man in the car followed the dog who had at this point gone the whole way up one road turned right down another and had gone about half way up that road as well. The guy in the car called for the dog and for some reason (thank the Lord) she listened and he was able to grab her collar and I was able to grab her from the man after thanking him repeatedly and then next thing I knew here came the girl's mom to take us back home! She is a young mom so she is in good shape and I am young and consider myself to be in pretty good shape. Thank goodness for all of those factors. It was just last week that the dog ran out and luckily their grandmother lives down the yard from them and caught her then. And the week before that the oldest fell down the stairs when her mom had just gotten home and needed her head superglued. Both the girl's mother and grandmother said that the dog runs like that all the time and just shook it off. No big deal...but thank goodness! I feel like such a bad babysitter!

What a day! haha. Kevin and I went to Rakestraws tonight! It was very good. I got Grapenut icecream and it was quite tasty indeed! Tomorrow my car is getting inspected, but I have tons of school work to do anyway so I will have to be here most of the day anyway!

I hope everyone is doing well and is getting ready to have a wonderful Easter!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Warm-ish days...

These are the days I live for. College is super stressful right now! I won't bore you with the details, but I am just so overwhelmed so looking at these photos of Kevin and I feeling so happy in each others' presence makes me smile. When I began dating Kevin I thought the age difference was nothing. It continues to be basically nothing but, there is one hard part about it. The hard part is not that there is a maturity gap like everyone thought there would be; the hard part is not the fact that I am not old enough to drink. The hard part is that I am a weird exception to every rule. When I met Kevin I was not intending to settle down with anybody ever. I never thought about having a man to settle down with and marry and then that night that I met Kevin, everything changed. My whole game plan was turned upside down. Now, all I hear from our families is that I need to enjoy being young. "You don't want kids now, you want to finish college and work the rest of your life so if anything would happen, God forbid, you would be okay on your own."

Don't get me wrong I do want to finish college and I do want to be a teacher, although I was planning on working toward a different degree when I first met Kevin. The hardest thing right now is that everyone is telling me..."Be yourself," and I am screaming (not literally) that I am myself. I am more myself than I have been in a long time and it is everyone else that is not accepting who I am. It is my dream to be a stay at home Mom and although I probably never will get to stay home with my kids, I am comfortable knowing that I will at least have summers with them. It is odd how much of a change I have gone through. My goals used to be wild, go all over the world before I was thirty, all kinds of adventurous things. Now my goals are nearly the same, just a bit more tamed. I am young, but who says that young girls can't want a family? Who says that you have to be out of college before you get married? Everybody that says things like that has made their own standard and I am not sorry to say I am not like any other standard. I have learned to take care of myself and I will not stop wanting to get married, to have a baby, to have my own garden, to visit different states, to visit all new parks, to explore the wilderness. I have learned that I have to be myself and whether everyone likes it or not THIS IS ME.

Look at this silly man. What a wonderful guy! I wouldn't trade his love for anything! I love him with all my heart.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Feeling close

Today was an interesting day. School was long and rainy and boring. I scheduled for summer classes and fall classes and somehow my bill was wayyyy more than it was supposed to be so I obviously didn't pay that. I just don't have the money right now. Nobody is helping me with school. I have paid it all so far and college is expensive. Christian club was full of worship, full of tears, full of happiness but, the part of the day that made me smile the most was laying at home watching Marley & Me with Kevin.

Marley & Me was one of the best movies I have ever seen. The couple's relationship reminded me so much of the relationship that Kevin and I share. The adventures of their life were amazing and to see them played out on the screen gave me hope for Kevin and I. While it was a wonderful movie, it was so terribly sad. I bawled; there is no other word for it. I cry often, but rarely do I cry like a child that is settling down from a temper tantrum. I was gasping like a young child after they throw a complete fit. I have no clue why it was so touching; the sad scenes just seemed to drag on and on. Maybe it was because I knew how much Kevin would relate to this movie. I never want to wish tears upon anyone but, when Kevin and I cry together, when he leans his head on my shoulder and when he shows his true emotions, I feel the closest that I could ever be. I picture us on our wedding day, I picture the day that we realized moving out would be such a big task. Although I never wish for him to be sad, I love holding Kevin, seeing him rely on me, seeing him be sincere, seeing him need my love.

I am so overwhelmed with college, work, etc. but, no matter what the moments that Kevin and I share together are irreplaceable. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Positive space, trying so hard

Lately I have been trying so hard to keep my thoughts positive and the words that stumble from my lips full of happiness. I have been trying to be humble and quiet like I once was when I was young. I loved that shyness I had when I was ten yet, somehow bitterness took over when I turned eleven. These were huge transition years: my parents divorce, a new addition of a big sister, a step-dad, two different Christmases, the development of my eating disorder. My whole world was corrupted, but lately I have been longing for that peace that I had before my world was turned upside down.

Today I have been bored out of my mind without Kevin. I have luckily been talking to his sister most of the day so that has been such a blessing from God. I went shopping for a baby shower of a good friend of mine. I felt obliged to spend lots of money on her because I had spent so much money on my other best friend before her boyfriend raped me. I did not spend so much money simply because I felt obliged but, because I know she needs the help and is a good person.

When I was shopping I almost began crying. Why? I can't tell you. My body has been very strange lately. Odd cramps, sore breasts, nausea, all they symptoms but, my body often tricks me for no reason. Sometimes I feel like it is my punishment because of the pill the nurse gave me to take after I was raped. I did not have to take it. I refused to take it but, my Mom wanted to look out for me. She wanted me to take that pill because she did not want everything in my life to be ruined due to some hateful man if you can really call him that. She pushed me and essentially said she would disown me if I did not take the pill, so I did and ever since then I have hated myself for it. I know I have to let it go and I forgive myself. I do. But it still hurts inside. It still makes me wonder and just like today in the store, buying all this baby stuff for someone else made me sad. Really sad and lonely.

Now on a more positive note because I really don't feel like crying, the sun is shining and God gave us a beautiful day. I hope the girls want to play outside for an hour or so when I go to babysit because I feel like I have just sat and laid around all day. I can't wait to get home and see Kevin and I really hope he just wants to spend some quality time together. I am a person that needs to hear I love you a lot and feels sad without that I love you so I hope he will be in a good mood and not too tired from work and that I will not be too tired from babysitting either. There is so much to vent about but, I will spare everyone and just wish them a wonderful wonderful day. I hope everyone can smile today and know that everything will be okay. I hope everyone can say I love you to someone that they love and that life will be full of wonderful surprises as it is so often filled with tears.

Have a good day! Appreciate yourself and think about how wonderful you truly are.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Always a twist to bring a smile

Today started off horrible. I woke up and I really did not feel well...that has been happening lately and I have had cramps. Not just little cramps...full blown menstrual cramps..and my period is not do. I usually only have cramps the day before and during my period. Don't ask me, haha; my body always plays games with me.

My morning just kept getting worse. I dropped everything I picked up. I was running late for class and then as I was getting ready to step out the door I leaned over to pick something up and a river of water started pouring out of my coffee mug. Stupid me did not check to see if it was closed!

I thought my day was destined to be a bad one. The rain was pouring and things just did not seem like they would look up. Then I opened my bright green umbrella and there is just something about that umbrella that makes you smile on a rainy April day. I realized that I needed to think positively and look around me at the beauty of a good spring rain. The Earth was thirsty, the creatures needed to bath, the grass needed revitalized. It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I looked down at my feet and there were millions upon millions of squirming worms. I have never seen so many worms in my life. Everyone I told was grossed out by the worms and I just laughed it off and said "yeah, they are kind of gross," but, inside I loved the worms. It was such a beautiful representation of spring and new life. I thought they were beautiful.

During the rest of the day things seemed to brighten up. There were only four people, including me, in my math class and on Fridays I don't have history so it was wonderful to get to go home an hour and fifteen minutes early. I came home and decided to read some blogs and so many were so beautiful and inspiring. I cried and cried over one blog that I stumbled upon. The lady lost her beautiful baby boy but, her blog was inspiring. She was so strong in her faith and despite her sorrows she never stopped loving her son or gave up on God. Reading others blogs really helps me heal up the parts of me that are still so broken from my rape. God shines through and calls me in through others and not only through reading and relating to others sorrow, that I wish they never had to feel, but through their happiness as well. God is amazing.

I am going to be lonely tomorrow. Kevin is working all day and then I work at three to seven when he gets off work. It is going to be a hard day for me especially since it is Saturday and I feel that is our day to really spend time together. I never used to be this way, I never used to need to be with anybody but, after everything happened...I just changed. I just can't stand being without him. Maybe I am scared of being alone. It will be okay though. I do know that. I will study and do my work, make brownies for my parents house on Sunday. I will work on myself a bit, really delve into my spirit and who I am. Love myself. I hope you all will too. I hope everyone takes a minute to realize how truly special, unique, and wonderful they are all thanks to God. Even when you feel down, even when you sin, even when you are living a lie...just take a minute to realize what God gives to you everyday and hopefully He will give you a smile and a little bit of hope.

Have a good night and day! : )

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rainy day : )

So today was rainy rainy rainy. Of course the days that I actually have to walk around on campus are rainy and then every other day is sunny and beautiful. Haha! Oh well, it was still a nice day! There were worms every where. I can definitely tell its spring...and nothing like April Showers Bring May Flowers.

My procedure went well! They hooked me up to lots of machines and an IV and then when they finally took me in to perform the procedure the man said as soon as the doctor said hi he would anesthetize me. When the doctor said hi I thought to myself "when am I going to fall asleep" and a second later I felt dizzy and then the next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up and my throat was a little sore. I felt goofy the rest of the day...but nothing too serious. And the good news....they didn't really find much. It is probably from not eating for so long, my stomach just produces too much acid. Since I have been eating pretty well for almost a year now, it should heal up with the help of some medicine. : ) So in other big deal!

I often go through spurts of energy where I realize how much I really should take care of myself and love myself. As I have gotten older I have realized how true it is that you must first love yourself before you can love anybody else. Loving yourself and loving yourself no matter what is so important! When you learn to nurture your own feelings and your own body you can really learn how to care for and nurture others.

Today Kevin and I went to my Dad's. My dad is such an interesting man. He makes plenty of money...but never has any. Its so confusing, but through everything it doesn't matter because I know he does have a good heart. I remember him trying to be so strong...and he is..and I remember him trying to convince me so many times to listen to his stories because he had so much more experience in life than I did, and he does. But, no matter what I see his hurt from my parents divorce still pouring out even though its nine years later. I see through his though guy front and see where I get my sensitivity. He is a genuine man, just too scared to show anybody and after moving out, despite the many times that I am so tempted to just call him some mean name for not helping me pay for things, I am finally able to see his true heart and see what a great man he really is. Just like the tough guy front that Kevin puts on that I can see through, I can see into my Dad's soul and see his true colors.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Finally Breathing

I am so excited to start a blog that I really want to write on whether anyone reads it or not however, it is my hope that many people out there do read it and that they may be inspired by some of my words and findings. Recently I was having a very hard time dealing with all the stress of college, cleaning up our apartment, dealing with my feelings after that began rushing in when some memories were retrieved about my R*pe, and just life in general. I posted a blog on here and was determined not to delete it, but nobody responded so I assumed nobody in the world felt like I did. Then I began searching for other people like me and I found a great website called which is a site to help survivors and secondary survivors of rape. It is been a wonderful experience to talk to other people, despite the reason that we are all there, that understand where you are coming from.

Today I am super hungry and thirsty because I can't have anything to eat or drink until after my procedure. I am getting an EGD (i think that is right) which should be quite interesting. I will be asleep but I am very curious if when I wake up I will be able to tell that they stuck something down my throat into my belly to look around. My procedure is at 1:15 which means no lunch either and you would think after having being anorexic for seven years you would really be okay with not eating, but man once you are on the mend and you are used to eating again it is terrible to go without food! I can't wait until it is done so I can eat something and have a drink!

There are also some other really exciting things going on dealing with my relationship : ) which I can't post until things are official, but I am very very excited I will tell you that much! There is also another thing going on that I can't post the details about, but I am hoping and praying that everything works out and either way I just want to know because I don't want to have to hold on to the disappointment if not!

Post later about the procedure! I am praying for everyone! Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as well!

by Elain Gates