Saturday, April 4, 2009

Positive space, trying so hard

Lately I have been trying so hard to keep my thoughts positive and the words that stumble from my lips full of happiness. I have been trying to be humble and quiet like I once was when I was young. I loved that shyness I had when I was ten yet, somehow bitterness took over when I turned eleven. These were huge transition years: my parents divorce, a new addition of a big sister, a step-dad, two different Christmases, the development of my eating disorder. My whole world was corrupted, but lately I have been longing for that peace that I had before my world was turned upside down.

Today I have been bored out of my mind without Kevin. I have luckily been talking to his sister most of the day so that has been such a blessing from God. I went shopping for a baby shower of a good friend of mine. I felt obliged to spend lots of money on her because I had spent so much money on my other best friend before her boyfriend raped me. I did not spend so much money simply because I felt obliged but, because I know she needs the help and is a good person.

When I was shopping I almost began crying. Why? I can't tell you. My body has been very strange lately. Odd cramps, sore breasts, nausea, all they symptoms but, my body often tricks me for no reason. Sometimes I feel like it is my punishment because of the pill the nurse gave me to take after I was raped. I did not have to take it. I refused to take it but, my Mom wanted to look out for me. She wanted me to take that pill because she did not want everything in my life to be ruined due to some hateful man if you can really call him that. She pushed me and essentially said she would disown me if I did not take the pill, so I did and ever since then I have hated myself for it. I know I have to let it go and I forgive myself. I do. But it still hurts inside. It still makes me wonder and just like today in the store, buying all this baby stuff for someone else made me sad. Really sad and lonely.

Now on a more positive note because I really don't feel like crying, the sun is shining and God gave us a beautiful day. I hope the girls want to play outside for an hour or so when I go to babysit because I feel like I have just sat and laid around all day. I can't wait to get home and see Kevin and I really hope he just wants to spend some quality time together. I am a person that needs to hear I love you a lot and feels sad without that I love you so I hope he will be in a good mood and not too tired from work and that I will not be too tired from babysitting either. There is so much to vent about but, I will spare everyone and just wish them a wonderful wonderful day. I hope everyone can smile today and know that everything will be okay. I hope everyone can say I love you to someone that they love and that life will be full of wonderful surprises as it is so often filled with tears.

Have a good day! Appreciate yourself and think about how wonderful you truly are.

1 comment:

  1. Hi again

    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I am too. I'm so depressed today. Too depressed even to go to church.

    The good times in my life were when I was at Uni, and when I was very young and used to make up fairy stories and mermaid stories.

    I am not even trying to be positive - I haven't got enough energy.

    Don't beat yourself up about the pill - our God is a God of forgiveness and love. He will forgive you and you need to forgive yourself.

    God Bless you



by Elain Gates