Here I am again alone on Saturday. Weekend have always been the days that I spent with my family and since Kevin and I live together and I love him with all my heart, I consider him my family whether we are married yet or not. So here I am, while he is at work again on a Saturday, lonely.
I can't even begin with how frustrated I am and if this entry is boring you I am really sorry but, I have to write it. Yesterday all I felt was negativity and I tried to avoid my blog all together because I didn't want anyone to have to deal with my stupid rages but, today I just can't do it. I need to write about it.
Kevin always works. Always. When he is not at work he is watching tv which I understand because he is tired from work and wants to relax but, I feel like my head is going to explode. My life is school, work, school, work, school, work, off. Every other saturday I babysit and the saturday I do not babysit I just want to be out and about! At night, its not even that I want to go to the gym, or go run 6 miles, I just want to be up doing something. I exercise enough during the day when he is not here but, I can not stand laying here every night just watching TV!!!!! I try to think of fun things to do but, he never likes the ideas or they cost money that we really don't have.
Kevin has my whole life in his hands. When I met him I was somebody completely different. I wanted to go see the world, not settle down for along time but, then when I realized I had love and I could someday have a family I wanted it now. I just wanted his love because for so long I have been on my own! For 3 almost 4 years I have been on my own because even when I lived with my dad I bought all my own things, I paid for my own food, he was too busy talking on the phone to his many girlfriends. I just wish someone would pay attention to me! I have nothing of my own. I know that life is not always the way you want it, trust me I know. When that guy did what he did to me, I learned that life is nothing shy of screwed up most days. But I feel so much like I have nothing.
I love Kevin with all my heart but, even when he is here and he tells me he loves me he just wants to do things for himself because he works hard and then there I am lonely again. I have nothing to take care of. I have nothing going for me. Woo hoo I am working toward a degree. Great. Too bad I would rather be home with the kids that I don't yet have. The apartment we live in, its Kevin's. He has a good job (he is an electrician), he is building a home, he has parents that would give him anything he needs. He has breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for him. He has the house cleaned for him. He has a nice car, he can buy anything he wants, all the decisions on when we get married, when we have kids, when we get a puppy, when we do ANYTHING, they are all his!
I honestly have nothing of my own. I can't afford to buy shoes or clothes and even if I could, they don't make me happy. I can't afford to help him with the bills. I can't afford to print our pictures or buy anymore scrapbook material and all mine is used up. I go for walks, I tell myself everday that I have plenty of things in my life and I don't need anymore. I tell myself that I am a good person, that I have school, that I love Kevin, that I can exercise, that I have God most importantly. Everyday I do things like exercise, pray, eat heatlthy foods, study, take walks in nature, go over what I am thankful for but, still I can not help but waking up every morning and just crying because of where I am in life. I know I am going to marry Kevin. Maybe if i just could start planning our wedding that would give me something to think of as my own, something to plan for. I don't know why I feel like I need something more than I have. I do have a lot and I know that. I think what I really need is just attention. I just need him here. I just need his love. I just need him to talk to me. I am so tired of being alone!!! And I know I have God but, I am human, sometimes I just need someone to talk to, something here to play with, even a dog, just something or someone.
Friends are great. The problem is most of my friends have stabbed me in the back so many times that I have no desire to hang out with them all the time. The ones that haven't are always busy. They are all having babies and getting married and here I am ALONE. Even my parents don't understand. My mom looks at me like I am crazy when I tell her that since I was raped I have had the hardest time being alone. Then on Sunday when Kevin is home, we end up going to his parent to do laundry, spending the whole day with other people and the day goes so fast and then its back to the same OLD ROUTINE. I just want to scream.
Okay I am done ranting and raving. Sorry that you read this all if you did. Sorry to bring down your day.