Thursday, April 30, 2009

Please Pray...

Pray Pray Pray. Please if you pray, whether you are just spiritual, Christian, or any other religion of this world, if you pray..please pray for Erica, Steve, baby Orner, Braylynne, and their daughter in heaven, Angel. Baby Orner is very sick and the doctors say there is no chance of healing but if it is God's will, whatever God you pray to, whatever you believe, they just need all the help they can get to perfom God's will and have the hope that God's will is to heal this baby and have it on Earth. Although I am stressed to the max right now, I know that my pain is not comparing the pain they are feeling and I am trying to devote my prayers to them. Please if you have an extra minute just to think about them, just to hope for them, anything will help. They just lost a baby last year and want so badly not to lose another. We can only hope and pray that God will grant them the gift to have this baby on Earth.

Thank you for your help.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Summer is coming...

These last few days have been absolutely gorgeous! I will admit, they have been a bit hot especially because we are stubborn and decided 92 or not, we are not turning on our AC. We did have to break down one night at about 2 in the morning when it was in the 90's while we were trying to sleep but last night we got a fan for in our room and it worked very well. I finally got a good night's sleep although it was not quite enough. I can not complain though because at least I got to sleep. The sunshine is going to go away today but hopefully it will return by the weekend because I absolutely love these sunny, hot and not humid days. Saturday Kevin and I walked on trail behind my college and it was beautiful. We saw this amazing blue bug and we couldn't snap a picture of it in time, but I have never seen anything like it! It's whole body was metallic blue! Sunday we went for a hike and it was hot but, it was wonderful. We sat at the top of the mountain on some rocks that overlooked the cliff. A seven year old girl was climbing across a rope from cliff to cliff and she also repelled. I was amazed although, I am not sure that I would have let my seven year old do that because there is no soft spot, there is no chance for survival if you fall. I will post pictures later, maybe tonight or tomorrow from the walk and the hike. You will absolutely love some of them! The hike that we did on Sunday was a great work out and our bodies felt so rejuvenated although it was much shorter and not as hard as the one that Kevin and I did last year. It was our warm up hike!
Yesterday my two best friends at college and I took pictures on campus and let me tell you, it was beautiful! The blooming trees made wonderful backgrounds and we had all kinds of fun just hanging out together. If I can I will post pictures from yesterday as well because those pictures are gorgeous as well!
I am excited for the weekend to be here again but I am trying to enjoy every day. I often pray to God that he will make me humble because sometimes I am too outspoken. I always let people into my life so much and then get stabbed in the back so I have been praying that I may be able to find the strength that was in me before what happened in November 2007 and that I may be able to sit quietly and observe others and pour my soul out only to those that I know truly care instead of telling just anybody that will listen.
I am thinking about getting a tattoo. I don't know of what and I know that some people are strongly opposed to getting one because God gave us our bodies not to write on but to nurture and love. I however am not opposed to tattoos. I think perhaps I would like to get the chinese symbol for love or something along those lines on my foot. If I do end up getting one I definitely want it to be something relating to love because that is the what life is about. I view love as the most important thing and God gave us the ability to love Him and love others. I cant even begin to express how important love is to me. I could just go on and on about it but I will spare you.
I hope you all are well! I hope the sun is shining or if it isn't I hope that you can enjoy what ever weather you are being handed. I hope life is being kind to you or at least if it isn't you can find the kindness in God and in others. Please pray for Erica and Steve and their daughter, their angel daughter, and their baby.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

When will life feel normal?

Life is sooooooo crazy right now. It has been for quite sometime. I just hope that someday I will be able to take a breath and relax. I hope that some day, at least for one hour there will be no drama, there will only be Kevin and I and the world, just at peace for at least one hour. I hope things are going well with everyone. Can anyone tell me, does life ever get more enjoyable? Sorry I haven't been posting much, I plan to soon and I hope this summer life will be a little less hectic. I am starting to doubt it tho. However, usually in the summer things just seem better.
I am praying for everyone out there. Please keep praying for Erica and her family.
Please pray for Kevin and I that we may be able to breathe sometime soon.
Thanks to all of you!

Monday, April 20, 2009

At a loss of words...

Hi everybody. I have been at a loss of words lately. After my last post, so much stuff has happened and I just didn't feel like going into details. I wanted to say I am very thankful for all the wonderful weather we had this weekend and Saturday was lonely without Kevin but I did go to my Mom's and played outside with my brother all day. I have been very overwhelmed with some issues going on in our families and I hope you will keep Kevin's sister Erica and her family Steve, Braylynne, Angel and the baby in Erica's belly. Anyway...sorry this message isn't very inspirational..there is just a lot on my mind and I would appreciate your prayers to help me figure everything out. I am thinking of you and praying for all of you as well.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Sunshine and sore hearts

These last two days have been absolutely gorgeous! The sun is shining, the air is warm, everything is just beautiful! Our plants have been getting their fill of sunlight and they sure are greedy! They love then sun! : ) Although I have no room to talk because I have been enjoying every minute in the sun that I can get. I ate lunch outside on campus today. It was really nice and although my friend could not eat with me, the clock chimed its beautiful melody and the buzzing of the bees and the chirping of the birds kept me company. This weather has truly been a gift from God I believe to lighten everyone's spirits!

Yesterday was a beautiful day and all was well until Kevin's sister called me. She is having some bad complications with her pregnancy and it is quite hard right now because she lost a baby girl named Angel last year. She and her family could really use your prayers right now if would like to help us all out. The doctors believe that she gave the baby an illness that she was not immune to and we are all just praying that the baby has the strength to become healthy again and make to Earth to live with her family.
That was a very sad phone call. To make the night even worse, Kevin decided to stop at his parents house. Now he has been saying that he has wanted this particular dish for dinner for big deal, just some day if his mom ever got the chance. Well his sister (the one I mentioned earlier) wanted it as well and they go over to his parents every tuesday and thursday and some sundays for dinner. Well, we walked into their house last night and as soon as we opened the door, we knew she had made it and not invited us. Now it was a hard day and I would never expect someone to invite us to dinner anyway, but his mom had been saying and saying, making a big deal about how she was going to make this dish for him and his sister and all of us. Well, you can only imagine how much it hurt last night when we walked in and all they could do was make one thousand excuses about how there was enough room or that they were going to invite us but..... Yeah. I immediately stopped talking when I found certain that they had done this because I was so infuriated at the fact that it seemed like a deliberate cut to Kevin. I know that it hurt him so much, not that he wasn't invited for dinner, that he had been asking and hoping and then they had the nerve to do it without us. It just cut deep. I am really trying to look at it in a different light but, I just cried for Kevin because he and I have these huge hearts that we bend over backwards and do everything possible, if we offend someone we cry because we never meant to hurt them. We give and give and give everyone the benefit of the doubt and very very few people return that and it hurts so much when you are pouring your heart out to be kind to others and they cut you deep.

Anyway enough ranting and raving because I do forgive them. I mean I am sure we do lots of things that hurt peoples feelings and don't mean to. This day I was just in such a bad mood. I had a hard test today and so much went on last night. I am just overwhelmed. But God sure did bless us with a beautiful day! Thank you SOOOO MUCH God. I hope you all are doing well! I am so sorry for ranting and raving. I hope that you can be happy and feel love! I am praying for everyone! Smile guys!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Can we have a little sunlight please?

Dear God,
Can we please have a little sunlight? Our new baby plants need some light to grow and I think everyone in the world needs a bit of shine to brighten their day.
Thank you and love,

Today was a fairly good day. I learned a lot in my classes today. Some days I feel like going to college is worthless, however on days like today I am glad I went. Listening to stories about other people in history really inspires me. I realize how amazing it would be to make a difference, to have somebody remember your name for something. I wish I could go to Africa and help all people. Infact, I wish I could go all over the world and help those people that really need help in the world. Money is so unimportant and I wish everyone in the world could see that. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the simplistic ways and just use our technology to communicate and help, never to kill people or commit horrible crimes, or use it to spread hate. Today I was inspired to make a difference.

I was also inspired to nourish my body. Not just with any food but with food that will do wonderful things for my body. Some days just make me feel so good...others not so much but, I will enjoy this feeling of happiness and inspiration for awhile.

Look at our plants! We put them in their homes last night! It was SO EXCITING! I have something to look after. : ) I am happy about that.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Extending our family

We decided to expand our family and since we cannot have pets in our apartment (I am still dying to get a pet) we decided to get some plants. Yesterday we went to walmart and decided to get two sweet yellow pepper plants and one tomato plant. It is very exciting because now we have something to look after. As you can see we have not yet planted them in their proper home. We bought two nice pots and organic potting mix and we are going to put them in their proper homes tonight because last night it was too late. To some people getting a few plants is probably no big deal but, to me it is super exciting! They are like our new babies. : ) How fun!
Today is a rainy day and its quite sad. I can't wait until it is warm however, the rain can be quite lovely too. I was hoping for some sun today thought so my little plants could get the adequate amount of light but, it doesn't look like that sun will be coming until thursday. Oh man!

This week is going to be a busy week between tests and work and everything else that can possibly pop up that definitely will. The only thing that is getting me through college and work is thinking that I am almost one semester closer to becoming a teacher, having a decent job, and being able to help Kevin out with all the bills. That also means that we are one step closer to being able to start our family. : )

Yesterday I was talking to my friend about life in general and all the crappy hands that we have been dealt in life. I came to the conclusion that sometimes people use their belief system as a mask. Sometimes people use God as an excuse not to feel. Not that God is not the perfect excuse to do all good deeds for, not that I don't believe in God, not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, sometimes I feel like some people just make up their own rules on both ends of the spectrum. I think often people that strictly follow the bible look at others and think that they are going to hell because they don't follow the exact words of the scripture. I feel like they however, do not switch the tables and see that people that do not follow the exact words of the scripture but form beliefs based on their own personal opinion and relationship with God are simply doing the same thing. Both groups are looking at each other and saying that is not the right way. I am a firm believer that there are many different ways and even my best Christian friends will tell me I am wrong, that there can only be one way, one set of beliefs. However, to me it just seems like isn't it possible that Jesus is reaching out to those other religions and just pulling them in enough to make him content and maybe in His heart the love that they have for Him and for God is enough? Isn't it possible that all different religions of the work are marked by one God, one Jesus, just formed and run differently? In my opinion, I say yes. Many people however, tell me no.

I think sometimes people hide behind their religion. They don't think that they should feel human feelings but, I think God gave us emotions to feel, God gave us a voice to speak up, a mind to think, the freedom to make mistakes and the knowledge to make them right. God doesn't expect us to be perfect; He does expect us to try to be good people, so why should we have such unrealistic expectations for ourselves if even our God does not? I am beginning to believe that you cannot love God unless you love yourself because if you have no respect for the creation of God that you are, then how can you have respect for God?

I dont know. Just my ramblins, my thoughts in progress.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Review

How was everyone's Easter? I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend.

For us, Easter was overall very good. Saturday Kevin wanted to go to his friend's house and after I was alone all day I was a little reluctant but, I said we could if we went to late church. Well little did we know that was going to be a tremendous problem. We planned on going to Kevin's sister's to eat and we did end up doing that but church just didn't work out because of the time that they wanted to eat. I was very disappointed about not going to church especially on Easter Sunday but the day turned out to be quite good.

When we got to Kevin's sisters, Erica, her husband, Steve, had prepared a delicious meal and we ate it and enjoyed every bite. Kevin's mom hid some eggs for Steve and Erica's daughter Braylynne and she searched outside and found them. They live in a beautiful country area with beautiful fields all around and their house is absolutely adorable. I can't wait until Kevin finally get his house built and we can move in so I can decorate and have my own garden. Anyway, it was a really great afternoon, just visiting and talking together.

Later that day we went to my Grandma's for about fifteen minute because everybody was leaving to go home since it was already around 4 p.m. We were happy that we got to say hello and eat a little bit of dessert. After Grandma's we went to my mom and stepdad's house and visited with them for a long time. It was nice to just talk about lots of things with my mom and stepdad and of course it was neat to get some yummy candy and easter gifts. We really had a nice day with everyone and I was soon wishing the day wasn't over.

Now, its sad because the whole weekend is gone. Kevin will work again on Saturday and I will be here again...alone. I told him I wish we had a puppy or something but, we can't have any pets in our apartments. I feel like time just rushes by. I miss days that we could just do whatever we wanted all day. I am trying to make the most out of our life and my life but it is just so hard. It is like their aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I wish I could read all the books I wanted, have my own garden, go see different places all over the world, at least all over the state. I just wish we had more time to appreciate all the beauty of the world.

I hope everybody had a great Easter. I wish I had some pictures..but we didn't take any. Forgot. Hopefully we will take some soon and I will post some more.

Have a good nite and day.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Another lonely Saturday

Here I am again alone on Saturday. Weekend have always been the days that I spent with my family and since Kevin and I live together and I love him with all my heart, I consider him my family whether we are married yet or not. So here I am, while he is at work again on a Saturday, lonely.

I can't even begin with how frustrated I am and if this entry is boring you I am really sorry but, I have to write it. Yesterday all I felt was negativity and I tried to avoid my blog all together because I didn't want anyone to have to deal with my stupid rages but, today I just can't do it. I need to write about it.

Kevin always works. Always. When he is not at work he is watching tv which I understand because he is tired from work and wants to relax but, I feel like my head is going to explode. My life is school, work, school, work, school, work, off. Every other saturday I babysit and the saturday I do not babysit I just want to be out and about! At night, its not even that I want to go to the gym, or go run 6 miles, I just want to be up doing something. I exercise enough during the day when he is not here but, I can not stand laying here every night just watching TV!!!!! I try to think of fun things to do but, he never likes the ideas or they cost money that we really don't have.

Kevin has my whole life in his hands. When I met him I was somebody completely different. I wanted to go see the world, not settle down for along time but, then when I realized I had love and I could someday have a family I wanted it now. I just wanted his love because for so long I have been on my own! For 3 almost 4 years I have been on my own because even when I lived with my dad I bought all my own things, I paid for my own food, he was too busy talking on the phone to his many girlfriends. I just wish someone would pay attention to me! I have nothing of my own. I know that life is not always the way you want it, trust me I know. When that guy did what he did to me, I learned that life is nothing shy of screwed up most days. But I feel so much like I have nothing.

I love Kevin with all my heart but, even when he is here and he tells me he loves me he just wants to do things for himself because he works hard and then there I am lonely again. I have nothing to take care of. I have nothing going for me. Woo hoo I am working toward a degree. Great. Too bad I would rather be home with the kids that I don't yet have. The apartment we live in, its Kevin's. He has a good job (he is an electrician), he is building a home, he has parents that would give him anything he needs. He has breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for him. He has the house cleaned for him. He has a nice car, he can buy anything he wants, all the decisions on when we get married, when we have kids, when we get a puppy, when we do ANYTHING, they are all his!

I honestly have nothing of my own. I can't afford to buy shoes or clothes and even if I could, they don't make me happy. I can't afford to help him with the bills. I can't afford to print our pictures or buy anymore scrapbook material and all mine is used up. I go for walks, I tell myself everday that I have plenty of things in my life and I don't need anymore. I tell myself that I am a good person, that I have school, that I love Kevin, that I can exercise, that I have God most importantly. Everyday I do things like exercise, pray, eat heatlthy foods, study, take walks in nature, go over what I am thankful for but, still I can not help but waking up every morning and just crying because of where I am in life. I know I am going to marry Kevin. Maybe if i just could start planning our wedding that would give me something to think of as my own, something to plan for. I don't know why I feel like I need something more than I have. I do have a lot and I know that. I think what I really need is just attention. I just need him here. I just need his love. I just need him to talk to me. I am so tired of being alone!!! And I know I have God but, I am human, sometimes I just need someone to talk to, something here to play with, even a dog, just something or someone.

Friends are great. The problem is most of my friends have stabbed me in the back so many times that I have no desire to hang out with them all the time. The ones that haven't are always busy. They are all having babies and getting married and here I am ALONE. Even my parents don't understand. My mom looks at me like I am crazy when I tell her that since I was raped I have had the hardest time being alone. Then on Sunday when Kevin is home, we end up going to his parent to do laundry, spending the whole day with other people and the day goes so fast and then its back to the same OLD ROUTINE. I just want to scream.

Okay I am done ranting and raving. Sorry that you read this all if you did. Sorry to bring down your day.

Happy Easter!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

What a beautiful day

When I first stepped out onto my porch this morning I thought the whole day was going to be cold. To my delightful surprise, the sun came out and warmed the day up quite a bit. It was one of those days where I would take off my jacket because I was hot and then I would put it back on because I got chilly. I babysat and while the youngest was taking her nap I got to play outside with the four year old girl which she absolutely loves because she likes the one on one attention. It was such a wonderful experience to watch her feel so happy over some of the smallest things. She was pretending there was a party and she knocked down a pinata (shovel) in her sand box and told me to dig for candy. As I was digging I found a worm and right away I showed her because I knew she would be excited. She took that worm on as her own pet. She made homes all over the yard, she poured water on him to keep him hydrated, she would not leave him alone for fear that he might crawl away. It was an absolutely fascinating afternoon. When the little one woke up we all had a good time together outside. She loves to slide down the slide. In fact last week she learned that she could go down the slide by herself. It was such an enlightening time to see her face light up with excitement that she could do yet another thing on her own. She would slide down the slide and then say "again, again!"

Then the craziness happened. The oldest girl went outside on the porch for something and when she came back in she didn't latch the door completely. Well their goldendoodle is a big dog if you have never seen one and she had been whining to go outside with us. I had just finished the dishes and we were just about ready when I saw the dog pushing on the door and next thing I knew out the door she flew. Imagine me running after a dog that weighs close to as much as me and is much stronger than me. Luckily their mom was home cleaning so she ran out with me however, for some odd reason today the dog chose to run into the street! And she just kept running, let me tell you. When she ran out a car was right behind her and how nice of a man he was! The girls mom ran back to get the car and I ran full speed after the dog. Thank goodness the man in the car followed the dog who had at this point gone the whole way up one road turned right down another and had gone about half way up that road as well. The guy in the car called for the dog and for some reason (thank the Lord) she listened and he was able to grab her collar and I was able to grab her from the man after thanking him repeatedly and then next thing I knew here came the girl's mom to take us back home! She is a young mom so she is in good shape and I am young and consider myself to be in pretty good shape. Thank goodness for all of those factors. It was just last week that the dog ran out and luckily their grandmother lives down the yard from them and caught her then. And the week before that the oldest fell down the stairs when her mom had just gotten home and needed her head superglued. Both the girl's mother and grandmother said that the dog runs like that all the time and just shook it off. No big deal...but thank goodness! I feel like such a bad babysitter!

What a day! haha. Kevin and I went to Rakestraws tonight! It was very good. I got Grapenut icecream and it was quite tasty indeed! Tomorrow my car is getting inspected, but I have tons of school work to do anyway so I will have to be here most of the day anyway!

I hope everyone is doing well and is getting ready to have a wonderful Easter!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Warm-ish days...

These are the days I live for. College is super stressful right now! I won't bore you with the details, but I am just so overwhelmed so looking at these photos of Kevin and I feeling so happy in each others' presence makes me smile. When I began dating Kevin I thought the age difference was nothing. It continues to be basically nothing but, there is one hard part about it. The hard part is not that there is a maturity gap like everyone thought there would be; the hard part is not the fact that I am not old enough to drink. The hard part is that I am a weird exception to every rule. When I met Kevin I was not intending to settle down with anybody ever. I never thought about having a man to settle down with and marry and then that night that I met Kevin, everything changed. My whole game plan was turned upside down. Now, all I hear from our families is that I need to enjoy being young. "You don't want kids now, you want to finish college and work the rest of your life so if anything would happen, God forbid, you would be okay on your own."

Don't get me wrong I do want to finish college and I do want to be a teacher, although I was planning on working toward a different degree when I first met Kevin. The hardest thing right now is that everyone is telling me..."Be yourself," and I am screaming (not literally) that I am myself. I am more myself than I have been in a long time and it is everyone else that is not accepting who I am. It is my dream to be a stay at home Mom and although I probably never will get to stay home with my kids, I am comfortable knowing that I will at least have summers with them. It is odd how much of a change I have gone through. My goals used to be wild, go all over the world before I was thirty, all kinds of adventurous things. Now my goals are nearly the same, just a bit more tamed. I am young, but who says that young girls can't want a family? Who says that you have to be out of college before you get married? Everybody that says things like that has made their own standard and I am not sorry to say I am not like any other standard. I have learned to take care of myself and I will not stop wanting to get married, to have a baby, to have my own garden, to visit different states, to visit all new parks, to explore the wilderness. I have learned that I have to be myself and whether everyone likes it or not THIS IS ME.

Look at this silly man. What a wonderful guy! I wouldn't trade his love for anything! I love him with all my heart.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Feeling close

Today was an interesting day. School was long and rainy and boring. I scheduled for summer classes and fall classes and somehow my bill was wayyyy more than it was supposed to be so I obviously didn't pay that. I just don't have the money right now. Nobody is helping me with school. I have paid it all so far and college is expensive. Christian club was full of worship, full of tears, full of happiness but, the part of the day that made me smile the most was laying at home watching Marley & Me with Kevin.

Marley & Me was one of the best movies I have ever seen. The couple's relationship reminded me so much of the relationship that Kevin and I share. The adventures of their life were amazing and to see them played out on the screen gave me hope for Kevin and I. While it was a wonderful movie, it was so terribly sad. I bawled; there is no other word for it. I cry often, but rarely do I cry like a child that is settling down from a temper tantrum. I was gasping like a young child after they throw a complete fit. I have no clue why it was so touching; the sad scenes just seemed to drag on and on. Maybe it was because I knew how much Kevin would relate to this movie. I never want to wish tears upon anyone but, when Kevin and I cry together, when he leans his head on my shoulder and when he shows his true emotions, I feel the closest that I could ever be. I picture us on our wedding day, I picture the day that we realized moving out would be such a big task. Although I never wish for him to be sad, I love holding Kevin, seeing him rely on me, seeing him be sincere, seeing him need my love.

I am so overwhelmed with college, work, etc. but, no matter what the moments that Kevin and I share together are irreplaceable. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Positive space, trying so hard

Lately I have been trying so hard to keep my thoughts positive and the words that stumble from my lips full of happiness. I have been trying to be humble and quiet like I once was when I was young. I loved that shyness I had when I was ten yet, somehow bitterness took over when I turned eleven. These were huge transition years: my parents divorce, a new addition of a big sister, a step-dad, two different Christmases, the development of my eating disorder. My whole world was corrupted, but lately I have been longing for that peace that I had before my world was turned upside down.

Today I have been bored out of my mind without Kevin. I have luckily been talking to his sister most of the day so that has been such a blessing from God. I went shopping for a baby shower of a good friend of mine. I felt obliged to spend lots of money on her because I had spent so much money on my other best friend before her boyfriend raped me. I did not spend so much money simply because I felt obliged but, because I know she needs the help and is a good person.

When I was shopping I almost began crying. Why? I can't tell you. My body has been very strange lately. Odd cramps, sore breasts, nausea, all they symptoms but, my body often tricks me for no reason. Sometimes I feel like it is my punishment because of the pill the nurse gave me to take after I was raped. I did not have to take it. I refused to take it but, my Mom wanted to look out for me. She wanted me to take that pill because she did not want everything in my life to be ruined due to some hateful man if you can really call him that. She pushed me and essentially said she would disown me if I did not take the pill, so I did and ever since then I have hated myself for it. I know I have to let it go and I forgive myself. I do. But it still hurts inside. It still makes me wonder and just like today in the store, buying all this baby stuff for someone else made me sad. Really sad and lonely.

Now on a more positive note because I really don't feel like crying, the sun is shining and God gave us a beautiful day. I hope the girls want to play outside for an hour or so when I go to babysit because I feel like I have just sat and laid around all day. I can't wait to get home and see Kevin and I really hope he just wants to spend some quality time together. I am a person that needs to hear I love you a lot and feels sad without that I love you so I hope he will be in a good mood and not too tired from work and that I will not be too tired from babysitting either. There is so much to vent about but, I will spare everyone and just wish them a wonderful wonderful day. I hope everyone can smile today and know that everything will be okay. I hope everyone can say I love you to someone that they love and that life will be full of wonderful surprises as it is so often filled with tears.

Have a good day! Appreciate yourself and think about how wonderful you truly are.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Always a twist to bring a smile

Today started off horrible. I woke up and I really did not feel well...that has been happening lately and I have had cramps. Not just little cramps...full blown menstrual cramps..and my period is not do. I usually only have cramps the day before and during my period. Don't ask me, haha; my body always plays games with me.

My morning just kept getting worse. I dropped everything I picked up. I was running late for class and then as I was getting ready to step out the door I leaned over to pick something up and a river of water started pouring out of my coffee mug. Stupid me did not check to see if it was closed!

I thought my day was destined to be a bad one. The rain was pouring and things just did not seem like they would look up. Then I opened my bright green umbrella and there is just something about that umbrella that makes you smile on a rainy April day. I realized that I needed to think positively and look around me at the beauty of a good spring rain. The Earth was thirsty, the creatures needed to bath, the grass needed revitalized. It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I looked down at my feet and there were millions upon millions of squirming worms. I have never seen so many worms in my life. Everyone I told was grossed out by the worms and I just laughed it off and said "yeah, they are kind of gross," but, inside I loved the worms. It was such a beautiful representation of spring and new life. I thought they were beautiful.

During the rest of the day things seemed to brighten up. There were only four people, including me, in my math class and on Fridays I don't have history so it was wonderful to get to go home an hour and fifteen minutes early. I came home and decided to read some blogs and so many were so beautiful and inspiring. I cried and cried over one blog that I stumbled upon. The lady lost her beautiful baby boy but, her blog was inspiring. She was so strong in her faith and despite her sorrows she never stopped loving her son or gave up on God. Reading others blogs really helps me heal up the parts of me that are still so broken from my rape. God shines through and calls me in through others and not only through reading and relating to others sorrow, that I wish they never had to feel, but through their happiness as well. God is amazing.

I am going to be lonely tomorrow. Kevin is working all day and then I work at three to seven when he gets off work. It is going to be a hard day for me especially since it is Saturday and I feel that is our day to really spend time together. I never used to be this way, I never used to need to be with anybody but, after everything happened...I just changed. I just can't stand being without him. Maybe I am scared of being alone. It will be okay though. I do know that. I will study and do my work, make brownies for my parents house on Sunday. I will work on myself a bit, really delve into my spirit and who I am. Love myself. I hope you all will too. I hope everyone takes a minute to realize how truly special, unique, and wonderful they are all thanks to God. Even when you feel down, even when you sin, even when you are living a lie...just take a minute to realize what God gives to you everyday and hopefully He will give you a smile and a little bit of hope.

Have a good night and day! : )

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rainy day : )

So today was rainy rainy rainy. Of course the days that I actually have to walk around on campus are rainy and then every other day is sunny and beautiful. Haha! Oh well, it was still a nice day! There were worms every where. I can definitely tell its spring...and nothing like April Showers Bring May Flowers.

My procedure went well! They hooked me up to lots of machines and an IV and then when they finally took me in to perform the procedure the man said as soon as the doctor said hi he would anesthetize me. When the doctor said hi I thought to myself "when am I going to fall asleep" and a second later I felt dizzy and then the next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up and my throat was a little sore. I felt goofy the rest of the day...but nothing too serious. And the good news....they didn't really find much. It is probably from not eating for so long, my stomach just produces too much acid. Since I have been eating pretty well for almost a year now, it should heal up with the help of some medicine. : ) So in other big deal!

I often go through spurts of energy where I realize how much I really should take care of myself and love myself. As I have gotten older I have realized how true it is that you must first love yourself before you can love anybody else. Loving yourself and loving yourself no matter what is so important! When you learn to nurture your own feelings and your own body you can really learn how to care for and nurture others.

Today Kevin and I went to my Dad's. My dad is such an interesting man. He makes plenty of money...but never has any. Its so confusing, but through everything it doesn't matter because I know he does have a good heart. I remember him trying to be so strong...and he is..and I remember him trying to convince me so many times to listen to his stories because he had so much more experience in life than I did, and he does. But, no matter what I see his hurt from my parents divorce still pouring out even though its nine years later. I see through his though guy front and see where I get my sensitivity. He is a genuine man, just too scared to show anybody and after moving out, despite the many times that I am so tempted to just call him some mean name for not helping me pay for things, I am finally able to see his true heart and see what a great man he really is. Just like the tough guy front that Kevin puts on that I can see through, I can see into my Dad's soul and see his true colors.

by Elain Gates