Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Who am I?

I have been in a major struggle since November 2007 when I was r****. I have always struggled with a number of things, just like everyone else I am sure but, in the few months before November 2007 I was really getting myself on track. Despite not eating, which has been my way of life for 8 years now, I was really learning to love myself and in fact I was even learning that I had to eat to be healthy. I began to love my body, I began to embrace the fact that my body was a gift and that I was a gift on this Earth. I learned that I had to love myself before I could love anybody else. I found out that I was beautiful and I even gained weight, I was healthy. For years people were used to me weighing from 105-117 and at 5'7" with a bigger bone structure that is very thing. Then, I started eating and it was all downhill from there. I weight what the doctors said was healthy for me, 130. All the people that used to tell me to eat, used to tell me I needed to eat to be healthy, they all started calling me fat. My head was spinning. I had finally gotten to a weight that they wanted me to be at, I maintained that weight for a few months, I was beginning to have self-confidence, I was loving myself, embracing my ability to go out by myself, to be independent, to love the world and be thankful for my life and then people started telling me I was fat! After I had worked so hard to get to where I was. At that point I had been struggling for 6 1/2 years and then when I got there they tore me apart!

What really mixed me up however, was after the events of Nov. 2007. I was so confused with everything in my life. I had recently become this strong, beautiful, independent person and in minutes of being out of control that was all taken away from me. In the minutes, that seemed like hours, well they could have been, I lost all sense of time, everything I had become, everything I had gained and worked for was lost. I lost all of who I was. Every dream, every goal, every hope, every positive thought about myself and this world. I lost everything.

Then Kevin came along. Actually he had come along right before that all happened. It was like God sent me an angel. It really was. When we met, neither of us were in the best of conditions but I ended up taking care of him the whole night but a few short days later, it was his turn to take care of me. I barely knew him, I hadn't even talked to him since I met him, but I text him and told him that I needed him. He was there. He didn't let me down. And as my weight spiraled downhill again, as I lost all the confidence that I had recently gained, as I walked day in and day out in a coma, he was there. I couldn't think about God at that time. I mean, I did. I needed him, and I longed for his comfort but, I didn't reach out as much as I should have. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him when I couldn't hear the answer. I wasn't in the best spiritual place that I could be but, later when I looked back, I saw that God sent me this angel. This angel that I could never leave. This angel that held me in his arms through all my struggles, that fell so deeply in love with me and that I fell so deeply in love with in return.

Although our relationship has obviously not been perfect, (I don't think anybody's is and if it is, then it must be God's wonderful grace) we have overcome a lot. There have been major battles and there will be many more. We knit pick every day, but we still love each other the same and even more than the day before. Never less. Kevin is my angel and I am so grateful because I know there are many people out there that don't have an angel. I am so thankful that God picked me to fall in love with this wonderful man. There are many factors that have threatened to split us up yet but, none unless it is God's will, will succeed. Ever. We are committed. We want to work together to make our life the best it can be. We want God's help and know that ultimately we are in his hands but, we are so thankful for the chance that we have been given to love each other forever.

It has been a year and a half since everything happened and since Kevin and I met. I am still not the person that I was working toward being before everything happened but, in some ways that is good. I lost my self-confidence however, slowly it is coming back. I have begun to realize again that I am a gift and that I have to take care of my body. It is hard go grow in yourself when you are so focused on growing with someone else. I am the kind of person that gives everything. I give until I can't give anymore and then I blow up. I feel like I have given everything away that is mine. I struggle with this. I am a needy person. I know. I need Kevin's attention and it is so often taken by other people that I begin to feel left out and unappreciated. Everyone else in the world seems more important to me. I make special things just for Kevin, when I am out I am thinking about what I can do for him to make him feel special. I make him special dinners that he doesn't seem to appreciate. I feel so alone so often. When he is sick I feel furious and I know it is wrong but, I feel like a get so little of his attention anyway. He is not an overly talkative person, he loves the TV sometime I feel like more than me. When he is sick I just feel like blowing up because I need him. I never used to be selfish and then after everything happened I became this selfish monster. I am working on it. I am. I am trying to be more humble. I have so many faults and often I pick apart the faults of everybody else instead of seeing their good side.

Kevin is a wonderful man. A true gift from God. He deserves the best and I hope that I can give it to him. I hope God will be with us in our relationship and will help me become more humble. I pray for the strength to work together and to be positive. I pray for the strength to look at the positive side of things instead of the negative side. I thank you God everyday for sending Kevin to me. For letting our paths cross and now become one. I thank you God that you have been there every step of the way. I hope that we can always remember that you are first God and that you are the one that we need to please. I ask you God to help me through all my struggles and help Kevin God with all of his. I know sometimes I do not listen and I ask that you help me learn to listen God. I ask that you help me become a better person, a great fiance, a soon to be good wife, and someday a good mother. I ask that I might be surrounded by positive people who might help us on our journey to You. I ask for you help God with faith in your wisdom and strength and knowledge that you are most high and mighty.

I am thinking of all of you! I hope your lives are going well. I hope that you have not lost your faith. I hope that you can find yourself and I hope that through all the struggles in your life you will turn to God and that you will keep believing that you are a precious gift put here on this Earth for a reason. You have a purpose. God has a plan for you. It may not be what you are planning, you may come upon many obstacles, many losses, many tragedies but, God put you here and keeps you here to serve Him and He will never give you more than you can handle.

In love,

P.S. Check out my other blog... It is our wedding journey. Kevin and I are just getting it into operation. I can wait to add all the details and pictures and more!!!! :)

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by Elain Gates